Log #80
18/11
if I was a ghost I would maintain the same social role of a passive spectator but I wouldn't have to be in a body anymore
Log #79
16/11
it's cold and miserable.
Log #77
3/11
only want to write lately. I have another site for my writing and I might share if you ask. besides for psychoanalysis, I recently read Nadja by Andre Breton (in french!)
Log #74
5/10
when I take the train in the morning I imagine I'm the maoist girl in La Chinoise when she talks with francis jeanson. made it to reason in phenomenology of spirit.
Log #72
2/9
Starting my second year of university this week. I'm at self-consciousness in phenomenology of spirit
Log #71
27/8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41RaSlr5lgw
Log #70
14/8
reading freud's totem and taboo to better understand the lacanian "nom-du-père" to better understand revolutionary girl utena
Log #69
10/8
rewatched revolutionary girl utena... rewatched the movie... read the manga... watched the 2018/19 musicals... re rewatching the show...
Log #67
25/7
made it past the preface of Phenomenology of Spirit (I'm following along this youtube series).
Log #66
24/7
I had to strap myself to my desk to finally read Lapvona by Ottessa Moshfegh after taking it out from the library three weeks ago. it was fine at best. but I will defend it from the criticism of being meaningless shock value. people say this when they want to make their discomfort seem like a real argument, but it's like criticizing a sad book for making you sad. you can question its purpose but it's not purposeless. "useless sex scenes" get reduced to this too, and even modern art...
Log #64
22/7
I really hate this sculpture I made it makes me mad. but my revulsion towards it makes sense for the character (ebba) so I won't destroy it. I have it displayed on my wall like a dreamcatcher but instead it catches the great feelings of disgust that torment me regularly.
Log #62
19/7
watched Beau Travail by Claire Denis and it inspired this drawing. darren aronofsky in his fedora is so irritating in the madagascar episode of Parts Unknown.
Log #59
9/7
watched the documentary on Vivian Maier. I didn't know about her before so I was happy to be introduced to her work. but I don't like Maloof … over 150 000 photographs and the best material he could come up with was recording a bunch of faces and voices pretending to know anything about her.
Log #58
4/7
9 pages into Phenomenology of Spirit!
Log #57
3/7
I saw an Agnes Martin painting at an exhibition and I wish I could see more in person, her works are not the same in photos (and the art book is 200 dollars).
Log #55
26/6
deprivation of feeling and experience strengthens the sense for seeing and watching.
Log #53
22/6
"people with a herd instinct hold mediocrity in high esteem. they praise it as having great value. they believe they are strong because they are the majority. the middling level has no terrors, no anxieties. they huddle together, indulging in the illusion of warmth. if you're in the middle, then you're alone with nothing, and certainly not yourself. and how content they are with this state of affairs!" I'm reading the piano teacher again. I like how Jelinek does not waste time with dialogue. everything is plastic and artificial.
Log #52
21/6
Log #50
16/6
Never let David Lynch forget a good idea
Log #48
13/6
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcIqtihq9AE
Log #45
12/6
watched the movie Ida by Pawel Pawlikowski and I think it's a favourite now. I normally don't like square aspect ratios but I liked it here in a minimalist way. Ida's relationship with her aunt is so beautiful.
Log #44
11/6
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmOc7VuRwzk
Log #43
5/6
reading Solenoid by Mircea Cartarescu and Lacan's seminar XI. I'm halfway through Solenoid, and while I'm enjoying it, I'm always taken out of the story whenever a woman is described. It's hard to take it seriously when a man writes about the universe or reality or whatever while he isn't even capable of regarding half of the population as anything more than a means for sex. men will wish to understand the nature of the universe but they cannot think beyond their own world. but this is only my impression halfway.
Log #42
1/6
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4NcmzFx2tk
Log #41
25/5
my new cope is that the average is not something to aspire to, that I find the average person unbearable so I should not feel bad when I don't get the same things that they do.
Log #40
21/5
I like myself more in my solitude (I have even had the house to myself for the last week). and it is more fulfilling to read and sculpt paper machee and sit under the sun than it is to be around people. I finished reading Werner Herzog's memoir and now I'm reading Interpretation of Dreams, and I watched Agnes Varda's Vagabond.
Log #37
3/5
today I biked to the library to print out a lady of sorrows icon for my wallet. on my way back, it took me 40 minutes to realize I was going in the wrong direction, and then it began to rain.
Log #36
2/5
I turn 19 today.
Log #35
26/4
I moved back home yesterday from my first year of university. watched Eric Rohmer films to start the summer. rayon vert was especially painful to watch after the fantasy of conte d'ete.
Log #33
18/4
started a new animal crossing island to maximize unproductivity during exam season.
Log #32
10/4
lost my 711 day russian duolingo streak. I think weed gives me canker sores. now that it's too warm for my fur hats, I resolved to try and regularly veil, tied under the chin baba style.
Log #30
4/4
I didn't understand the fascination with dreams until reading about Lacan. I have been playing yume nikki fangames and the puzzle game "connections." I'm not looking forward to anything. except for my request to the library to get me the Fink book on Lacan.
Log #29
3/4
Capcut melonne
Log #27
26/3
please answer this poll, I am not expecting a lot of answers but I'm curious. I think Beluga and Anatol are the technically best designed out of my characters. I made them after reading Berserk. but I'm not invested in them anymore -- they were mostly an escape for me, which isn't bad, but I lost connection. Melonne and Maria are the most I have ever felt connected to my characters.
Log #26
24/3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0-tUJuegPQ
Log #25
23/3
this week, there was one very windy day, where I fought through numb fingers to reload my transit card with my phone at 1%. the next day there was a snow storm. but one good thing is that I'm catching up on school.
Log #22
17/3
my new character Maria is a mystic monkey girl. she is a clone of Melonne except she doesn't feel shame like him. Maria likes to paint, read fractals, and hunt rabbits.
Log #20
16/3
missed most of my classes this week, and I saw a melanistic gray squirrel with a white tip on its tail.
Log #19
14/3
Log #16
12/3
unfailingly, every year, my depression peaks in March. I thought it would be different this time because the weather has been unusually nice (though this was the first winter I bothered to buy snow boots…).
Log #15
11/3
I wish they knew they are me too. we are ultimately a singularity. they reject me because plurality comforts them. they don't want to share their beauty, they want to believe they are beautiful and that I am ugly. but the singularity is God and division the demiurge.
Log #13
10/3
It's humiliating in public. I know the thought of me believing I belong there is funny to them, like I'm a bad imitation of a person.
Log #11
7/3
I need to meet another girl that's retarded the way I am. the friends I have now remind me of how bad I am at being a woman, it's like dysphoria but I'm cis.
Log #8
2/3
reading Dostoevsky's The Idiot. feeling uninterested in men until the last year has stunted me. "I Came to College Eager to Get Zooted on Loud And Get My Back Blown Out. I Found Out I'm a 'Mid Bitch' With Terrible Vibes."
Log #7
29/2
returning to my reclusive nature. it's something in my expression that people can't get past - I'm told I look bored or annoyed when I'm neither.
Log #1
1/1
happy new year. good wishes to everyone https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnTU_hJoByA