Log #41
26/4
I moved back home yesterday from my first year of university. it ended in misery. I'm trying to rebuild my self esteem now but it is hard and unnatural. watched Eric Rohmer films to start the summer. rayon vert was especially painful to watch after the fantasy of conte d'ete.
Log #39
18/4
started a new animal crossing island to maximize unproductivity during exam season. I hate that talking a little differently and moving a little differently and looking a little differently is a justification to be treated like a joke. I want to be taken seriously.
Log #38
10/4
lost my 711 day russian duolingo streak. I think weed gives me canker sores. now that it's too warm for my fur hats, I resolved to try and regularly veil, tied under the chin baba style.
Log #37
7/4
"real is without zones, subdivisions, localized highs and lows, or gaps and plentitudes: the real is a sort of unrent, undifferentiated fabric, woven in such a way as to be full everywhere, there being no space between the threads that are its 'stuff.' It is a sort of smooth, seamless surface or space which applies as much to a child's body as to the whole universe. The division of the real into seperate zones, distinct features, and contrasting structures is a result of the symbol order, which, in a manner of speaking, cuts into the smooth facade of the real, creating divisions, gaps, and distinguishable entities and laying the real to rest, that is, drawing or sucking it into the symbols used to describe it, and thereby annihilating it." (Bruce Fink The Lacanian Subject)
Log #36
6/4
food has been making me sick. I can't bear the conversations I have with anyone anymore. I will convince myself that I'm okay with the way things are for me, then I feel lonely and I talk with someone, and then I feel lonelier. people speak so familiarly and so often about being liked by others.
Log #34
4/4
I didn't understand the fascination with dreams until learning about Lacan. I have been playing yume nikki fangames and the puzzle game "connections." I'm not looking forward to anything. except for my request to the library to get me the Fink book on Lacan.
Log #33
3/4
Capcut melonne
Log #29
26/3
please answer this poll, I am not expecting a lot of answers but I'm curious. I think Beluga and Anatol are the technically best designed out of my characters. I made them after reading Berserk. but I'm not invested in them anymore -- they were mostly an escape for me, which isn't bad, but I lost connection. Melonne and Maria are the most I have ever felt connected to my characters.
Log #28
24/3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0-tUJuegPQ
Log #27
23/3
this week, there was one very windy day, where I fought through numb fingers to reload my transit card with my phone at 1%. the next day there was a snow storm. but one good thing is that I'm catching up on school, and I feel less tormented by the thought of the future now.
Log #24
17/3
my new character Maria is a mystical monkey girl. she is a clone of Melonne except she doesn't feel shame like him. Maria likes to paint, read fractals, and hunt rabbits.
Log #22
16/3
missed most of my classes this week, and I saw a melanistic gray squirrel with a white tip on its tail.
Log #21
14/3
knowing the weight of every moment, the causality that precedes it, and the sequence it furthers.
Log #18
12/3
unfailingly, every year, my depression peaks in March. I thought it would be different this time because the weather has been unusually nice (though this was the first winter I bothered to buy snow boots…).
Log #17
11/3
I wish they knew they are me too. we are ultimately a singularity. they reject me because plurality comforts them. they don't want to share their beauty, they want to believe they are beautiful and that I am ugly. but the singularity is God and division the demiurge.
Log #15
10/3
It's humiliating in public. I know the thought of me believing I belong there is funny to them, like I'm a bad imitation of a person.
Log #13
7/3
I need to meet another girl that's retarded the way I am. the friends I have now remind me of how bad I am at being a woman, it's like dysphoria but I'm cis.
Log #12
6/3
it's either I loathe myself or my circumstances. I don't know if I'm disliked for my moral failure or for your unfair exclusion. but I grasped so briefly to the attention I wanted. I feel so teased. my masochism betrayed my resentment for men, but I already made myself unattractive to them.
Log #10
5/3
I want what hurts to come from inclusion, not exclusion. I fantasize of suffering from having what I can't have.
Log #8
2/3
reading Dostoevsky's The Idiot. feeling uninterested in men until the last year has stunted me. "I Came to College Eager to Get Zooted on Loud And Get My Back Blown Out. I Found Out I'm a 'Mid Bitch' With Terrible Vibes."
Log #7
29/2
returning to my reclusive nature. I'm exhausted of feeling humiliated. it's something in my expression that people can't get past - I'm told I look bored or annoyed when I'm neither.
Log #1
1/1
happy new year. good wishes to everyone https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnTU_hJoByA